What brings you
Shame and self-criticism
Shame can make us feel deeply flawed and alone, yet it usually began as a way we once learned to stay safe or to belong; gently, and at your pace, we can help the parts of you that carry it feel less alone, so you might come to feel a little more at home in yourself.
How shame and self-criticism can feel
Shame is one of the most painful, and least spoken of, feelings. It is not quite the sense that we have done something wrong, which is closer to guilt; it is the quieter, heavier sense that there is something wrong with us. It can hum along in the background as a feeling of never being quite enough, or it can flood in and leave us wanting to hide.
Very often a harsh inner voice travels alongside it, a critic that seems to know exactly where it hurts. Because it can sound so much like our own thoughts, we rarely stop to question it. Living this way can be tiring and lonely, and it can leave us feeling that we are not truly at home in ourselves.
- A running commentary that judges much of what you say or do
- A deep sense that you are somehow bad, broken or not enough
- Wanting to shrink or disappear when attention turns to you
- Finding it hard to take in warmth, praise or kindness
- Replaying moments long afterwards, wishing you had been different
- A feeling of not quite belonging, even among people who care for you
Signs of how we have coped, not a flaw in you
I do not see shame or a harsh inner critic as a disorder to be corrected. I view them not as disorders, but as signs of how we have historically coped, or are coping, in the circumstances life has given us. A critical inner voice very often began as a form of protection: if we could get there first, and be hard on ourselves before anyone else could be, then perhaps we might stay safe, stay good, or hold on to a sense of belonging.
In the language of Internal Family Systems, or ‘IFS’, we might come to see that voice as a ‘part’ of you that has taken on a demanding and tiring job, usually to shield younger, more tender parts that came to carry the shame. These parts are real, but they are not the whole of who you are. Beneath them there is a calm and compassionate core, what IFS calls the ‘Self’, that has never been shamed and cannot be. A good deal of this work is simply helping you meet yourself, and these parts, from there.
How I might work with you
There is no need to argue with the critic or to try to force it into silence. Often the gentlest and most lasting change comes from turning towards these parts with curiosity rather than pressure, and coming to understand what they have been so worried about. It is always your choice how far and how quickly we go, and you are welcome to take time to consider anything before we do it.
Working in an IFS-informed way, we might first get to know the inner critic itself, and then, with your agreement, the more vulnerable parts it has been protecting. As those parts feel less alone and more understood, they often no longer need to work so hard. Because I am also an art psychotherapist, we can, if you would like, give shame an image: something to place on the page rather than only carry inside. Some people find a feeling easier to be with once it sits outside of them, and no artistic skill or experience is needed.
Where shame has grown from overwhelming or frightening experiences, we might also draw on EMDR, a therapy that can help the nervous system process memories that still feel raw. We would only ever turn to this gently, and at a pace that feels manageable for you.
What can help, honestly
I want to be honest about what we do and do not know. IFS is not currently recommended by NICE, the body that reviews treatments for the NHS, and I would rather tell you that plainly. It was, though, recognised as an evidence-based practice on the United States SAMHSA registry in 2015, and it has a growing research base and wide awareness, not least through Richard Schwartz’s book ‘No Bad Parts’. Many people find it a kind and helpful way to work with shame and self-criticism.
EMDR is recommended by NICE as a trauma-focused therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder in adults, and shame so often has its roots in painful early or overwhelming experiences. Art psychotherapy, for its part, is a profession regulated by law in the UK: ‘art psychotherapist’ is a protected title, held only by those registered with the Health and Care Professions Council. I cannot promise that shame will disappear, and I would gently be wary of anyone who did. What I can offer is a steady, non-judgemental space in which many people come to relate to themselves more kindly, and to feel a little less ashamed simply to be who they are.
Feeling a little more at home in yourself
If any of this feels familiar, you are welcome to get in touch whenever the time feels right for you. We might begin with a free twenty-minute conversation, with no obligation at all, so you can notice how it feels to talk with me before deciding anything.
I work with adults, in person near Ashburton in Devon and online across the UK and further afield. This is not a crisis or emergency service, and if you need urgent support there are people who can help you more quickly than I can. Otherwise, there is no rush, and it is always your choice.
How I might work with you
- Internal Family Systems (IFS): meeting the inner critic as a protector and befriending the parts that carry shame
- Art psychotherapy: giving shame an image, so it can sit outside us rather than only within
- EMDR: where shame grew from overwhelming experiences the body still holds
- Attachment-informed EMDR: for shame rooted in early relationships and not feeling securely held
- How I bring these together: weaving these gently around you, rather than following one fixed method
Common questions
Is shame a mental health problem or a disorder?
I would not describe shame as a disorder or an illness. It is a deeply human, and very common, feeling, one that often took root early as a way of staying safe or holding on to belonging. We can work with it gently, and with understanding, rather than treating it as something wrong with you.
I do not think of myself as creative. Would art therapy still suit me?
Yes. Art psychotherapy is not about making something skilful or beautiful, and there is nothing to get right. It simply offers another way to express what can be hard to put into words. If it does not appeal to you, we do not have to use it at all: we can work through conversation alone. It is always your choice.
Will therapy get rid of my inner critic?
I cannot promise that any part of you will vanish, and I would be cautious of anyone who did. What tends to happen is gentler: as the critic feels understood, and the parts it protects feel less alone, its voice often softens and begins to matter less. Many people find they can hear it without being ruled by it.
How do we begin?
We can start with a free twenty-minute conversation, online or by phone, with no obligation at all. It is a chance to share a little of what brings you, to ask anything you wish, and to notice how it feels to talk together. You are welcome to take all the time you need before deciding anything.
The first step
A free 20-minute conversation
It’s very hard to tell from reading a website! I offer a free introductory 20-minute conversation so we can meet, and you can see how it feels to talk with me.