Making peace with your inner critic

Many of us live with a voice inside that can be rather hard on us. It notices every mistake, compares us unfavourably with others, and speaks in a tone we would never dream of using with someone we love. If you recognise this voice, I would like to begin by saying something gentle. It makes sense that it is there, and it is not the whole of who you are.

In the way of working I draw on called Internal Family Systems, or IFS, we come to understand the inner critic not as an enemy to be silenced, but as a ‘part’ of us that has been trying, in its own way, to help.

We are all made up of parts

IFS begins with a simple and rather kind idea: that the mind is naturally made up of many ‘parts’, a little like an inner family. There is the part that longs for rest, and the part that pushes us to keep going. The part that wants closeness, and the part that keeps others at a careful distance. None of these parts is bad. Each one carries a role it took on at some point in our lives, often when we were young and doing our very best to cope.

The inner critic is one of these parts. Its words can feel wounding, and yet its intention is almost always protective.

What your critic may be protecting

When we slow down and listen, we often find that the critic is frightened of something. Perhaps it learned, long ago, that if it found fault first, we might be spared the sharper pain of being criticised or rejected by someone else. Perhaps it believes that if it drives us hard enough, we will finally be safe, or accepted, or loved.

Underneath this, IFS describes what it calls ‘exiles’: younger, more tender parts that carry burdens of shame, fear or hurt from times we felt not good enough. The critic often works so tirelessly because it is standing guard over these vulnerable places. It is not trying to make us miserable. It is trying, as best it knows how, to keep an old wound from being touched again.

I view this not as a disorder, but as a sign of how we have historically coped in the circumstances life has given us.

Meeting the critic with a little curiosity

Because the critic is a protector, arguing with it or trying to banish it tends not to help. It usually only pushes back harder. What can help, wherever possible, is turning towards it with curiosity rather than war.

In IFS we speak of the ‘Self’: a calm, compassionate presence that each of us carries, even when it feels rather buried. When we are able to meet a part from this place, something often shifts. We might ask the critic, gently, what it is worried would happen if it stopped. We might thank it for how long it has carried this on its own. This is slow work, and it is always your choice how far and how fast we go.

Over time, many people find that the critic does not need to be silenced at all. As it comes to trust that we can care for the vulnerable parts it has been guarding, it often relaxes, and its voice becomes quieter and kinder of its own accord.

Feeling a little less ashamed to be yourself

At its heart, this work is about coming to feel less ashamed simply to be who we are. When the exiled parts are met with warmth rather than judgement, the shame they have been carrying can begin to ease. We do not have to earn our place by being faultless. We can begin, slowly, to belong to ourselves.

A note on the evidence

I want to be honest about where IFS sits. It is not currently recommended by NICE, the body that guides NHS treatment here in the UK, in the way that EMDR is recommended for post-traumatic stress. IFS does, however, have a growing evidence base, and it was added to the United States’ NREPP register of evidence-based practices in 2015. Many people have found it genuinely helpful, and Richard Schwartz’s book “No Bad Parts” (2021) has brought this way of understanding ourselves to a much wider audience.

If you would like to explore this

You are welcome to take your time in considering whether this way of working feels right for you. You can read a little more about how I work with parts on my IFS page, and I offer a free 20-minute introductory conversation if you would like to talk things through first. There is no hurry, and it is always your choice.

Read more: Internal Family Systems (IFS) · All insights